88 Segundos
A spicy Latin beat heralds the arrival of the logo and voiceover: “OLA! Bienvenidos a otra edición de "LPW en 88 Segundos!" Éstos son sus anfitriones, Raaaaymundo Qunitero y HUUUUUUUUGO Cabera!” The spicy beat is almost like a samba, only badly played. Across the screen, piñatas, sombreros, tacos and a braying donkey fly around. Finally, a picture of the two hosts faces is superimposed over a picture of two Mexican immigrants being arrested at the border, in panchos and holding tequila bottles is shown, and a loud voice cries out: ‘AY YI YI! No otra vez!” The lights come up in the studio, onto two men seated around a table, while on the other side a man sits with legs crossed and sipping on a coffee cup. The two men look very uncomfortable, and one reaches up to fidget with his tie, as if unused to wearing them. One man, a skinny gentlemen, with close-cropped black hair, clears his throat and looks into the camera. He speaks in slightly accented English. Raymundo: Um. Hello viewers. Welcome to another edition of “Around the LPW in 88 Seconds! As you can plainly see, today’s show is going to be a little different from Hugo and my regular adventures, as we have a very special guest in our studio today – Hugo: '''And it’s about damn time they sent us a guest with some class! Come on Raymundo! Show some respect! Mr. Mang! I cannot than you enough for coming on the show! FINALLY! Raymundo and I can have an INTELLIGENT discussion, with a DISTIGUINSH and REFINED guest such as yourself! Thank you sir, thank you! '''Raymundo: '''HUGO! Control yourself! I am just as grateful as your are to have Mr. Mang on our show! He’s the man who offered me my first contract here at LPW! For FOUR years I have made a great living! '''Hugo: '''Are you mad, my friend? Was I not there as well? Did not I sign the contract at the same time as you in Mr. Mang’s office? Did we not go out and snort cocaine off of hooker’s tits all night long afterwards?!? '''Raymundo: HUGO! PLEASE! I am sorry Mr. Mang! Please, allow me to apologize for my co-hosts behavior! It’s just that we usually don’t have guests – Hugo: '''And instead we do these HUMILIATING skits! The last one had a DONKEY and - '''Raymundo: Hugo Please! We still have jobs! Control yourself! Wevv slowly leans forward and set his cup down on the table. Wevv: 'Gentlemen please! It is I who should be asking for your forgiveness for not being able to speak your language with any skill and forcing you to speak English for the duration of this broadcast. Truly, I apologize. ''Raymundo and Hugo try to brush off Wevv’s apology. '''Wevv: No good sirs, this show is the most viewed content on the LPW Internationale’ site! Over 2 million unique monthly views! You gentlemen are celebrities! Why I remember your resumes quite well. Raymundo, were you not working for Telemundo as the anchor for their weekend national news show? Raymundo: Si, senor Wevv. But I was let go as a budget cutting measure. Wevv: Their loss, our gain my friend. Hugo, were you not a nationally syndicated radio host? Hugo: I was, until the station manager fired my ass for being too controversial. That pussy. Wevv: so you see, my friends, this is why I jumped at the chance to do your show. Management may have “requested” it, but they do not always get what they wanted. Indeed, and here I am, with two well known, internationally respected members of the media, talking about the business. Raymundo: And the business of the day is our upcoming Insanity show at Woodstock. Wevv, you have a match, do you not? Wevv: '''Yes, I do. But I would rather not talk about it. '''Hugo: Is it because of outspoken comments on our new champion? You really tore that guy a new one, Wevv. Wevv: Thank you for not mentioning his name. And I stand by my previous statements. He really is the absolute worst champion I have ever seen. As for my match, I plan to throw it. If I get tagged in, I am going for a loss. I really don’t give a flying fuck about my reputation, my record, whatever. It’s only the principle I care about. And that principle says that helping that worthless sack of suck, in any way, is just plain wrong. That is really all I have to say about that. Hugo: Way to not hold back! You see Raymundo, this is the kind of show we should be doing! If only you would grow a set and not chicken out when management comes around, we could – Wevv: Gentlemen, please! While I appreciate your granting me some leeway in the course of your program, I would suggest refraining from pushing management right now. Instead, You see, well, management is being buried right now, and if you make trouble, you’ll just draw attention to yourself as a problem. However, if you just…slowly, shall we say, “modify” your format, well, that’s not a problem. That’s a solution. You see what I mean? Wevv winks at Raymundo and Hugo. Wevv: In fact, we can talk about it while we take a commercial break. Hugo: We have commercials? The show is only 88 seconds long! We don’t have time for commercials! Wevv: We do now. We’ll be right back! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWRyj5cHIQA The show fades back up to the subtle sounds of Santana’s “Samba Pa Ti” Wevv, Hugo and Raymundo are still all sitting around a coffee table. The background of the set is the LPW logo, and superimposed over it is the Woodstock logo. Wevv is sitting cross-legged and sipping on a cup of tea. He’s speaking as the music fades out and his mic fades in. Wevv: '''- Santana was at Woodstock ’94. Dude ROCKED the place! Man that was a great show. Over 350,000 paid. Over 2 days. My god, the money we made on that event. It was huge! We sold everything and people kept lining up to pay us more. I mean Jesus, we even sold Woodstock condoms! It was crazy! But you know what, even though people seem to remember it more as “Greedstock” I say to them to fuck off. Do you know how much we spent to get the bands there? Do you have idea of the bands we actually got? '''Wevv: Fucking A man, when was the last time you saw Green Day, Ice T, Melissa Etheridge, Metallica, Salt N Peppa, The Allman Brothers, and Jimmy Cliff all in the same place, huh? Fucking A, we got Bob Mother fucking DYLAN! It was a hell of a show and it was the exact same spirit of Woodstock! Hell, we had bands skipping out on other tour dates to be at OUR show! Wevv: But there’s one point I’d really like to make about Woodstock ’94 that seems to always be overlooked. We never tried to call it Woodstock 2, because to us, it was a tribute to the original, and was meant to honor it’s memory. And we did it. With style. The money came later, once we had it locked down, and started trying to find ways to pay for it. That’s when things started to get out of hand, when companies came to us and said they would pay. It’s hard to say no to that kind of money, and we wanted this show to be good and big. I can proudly say that I, and my partners delivered. Raymundo: I remember covering that story for Telemundo. If I could have gotten the time off I would have bought a ticket myself! The group laughs. Raymundo: But Wevv, let’s get back on topic. Woodstock has some special memories for you, but let’s talk about your upcoming match. You’ll be facing Tromboner Man, Andy Savana and former champion X. Do you have any thoughts about the match? Wevv: I do. I think it’s time for another commercial. Hugo: 'Another commercial? Are we getting any of this advertising money? '''Wevv: '''Um. We’ll be right back! http://www.spike.com/video/jam-wow/3171829 ''Coming back from break, we see Wevv Raymundo and Hugo all still sitting around the coffee table. Wevv is speaking again. '''Wevv: '''Honestly, after Woodstock ’94 I thought I could take over the world, but personal matters got in the way. '''Hugo: A woman huh? Wevv: '''Did I say a woman? '''Hugo: You don’t have to, it’s always a woman! Raymundo: And you wonder why you can’t stay married! The group laughs. Raymundo: But seriously Wevv, I appreciate that you got our show some commercials, and maybe, management will take the hint, eh, but the ShamWow guy? Come on. Wevv: '''Your reporter instincts are correct Raymundo. You see, it’s part of a deal I made with Mr. Schlomi. I’m executive producer of a new show that I’m trying to get signed. It’s called ‘Celebrity Grudgefest” and it’s going to be celebrities settling beefs with in a ring. That’s right, it’s not celebrity boxing, but Celebrity MMA! And our first match is going to be Vince “ShamPOW!” Schlomi vs Sasha Harris! It’s going to be huge! '''Raymundo: What studio are you shopping the pilot to? Wevv: Well, we’re currently in talks with Spike, but due the synergy between Public Enemy Multimedia and Spike TV, we - Raymundo: Wait a minute! Did you just say Public Enemy Multimedia? As in – Wevv: Yes. I mean really, they are a publicly traded company, and LPW, Spike’s biggest TV asset is owned by Public Enemy, and well, they were looking to diversify their program offerings, and well, I had this idea for a show, and there are some perks to being a shareholder, but well, I think I may have said too much! Hugo: Or too little! I think you can say a little more, Wevv! Wevv: I’m not going to. Anyway all I really wanted to talk about was Woodstock. I have such good memories of that place, even though Woodstock ‘94 wasn’t actually held in the town of Woodstock, but in – Raymundo: Wevv, I apologize for interrupting you, but really. This is a wrestling show, and while we enjoy your tales of the old days, we really have a duty to our viewers to cover the topics of the LPW. Wevv: I understand. I admire your dedication to your viewers as well. Very well, I will answer one question and one question only. Out of my respect for you, your generosity in letting “take over”, ha ha, your show, I also promise to answer it as truthfully as I can. Think carefully gentlemen, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Raymundo and Hugo go into a huddle and start to whisper to each other furiously in Spanish. Wevv takes the time to address the camera, motioning for a close-up. As the camera zooms in, Wevv takes a sip of his tea. He slowly sets the cup down. And Smiles his mega-watt smile. Wevv: '''While my hosts are thinking up a question, I would just like to take this chance to personally thank each and every one of you for joining me here today. According to my staff, this episode of "LPW en 88 Segundos!", has just set a record on LPW.com as THE most watched web show ever. This show has also become the most searched for topic on the site. Which is a pity, considering this show has been offered to the public for 2 years now. Within the past thirty minutes, LPW. com has also had a surge of nearly one million visitors to the site. Yay me. I’m glad I could do my part to help the fine, fine folks at LPW earn a little ad revenue. You see what a little marketing can do for the company? Knowing management, probably not. Most profitable quarter, PFFT! And what caused that? It couldn’t have been the Deathcube could it? Of course not! It must have been the Misfits! Bah! ''Wevv takes another sip and looks over at Hugo and Raymundo who have stopped talking to listen to Wevv’s little speech. '' '''Wevv: Have you thought of a question gentlemen? Ah, thank you Kenzo. Wevv holds out his cup, and Mr. Wang suddenly looms over his shoulder, and pours him a fresh cup. Madison appears on his other side and drops two cubes of sugar into the cup. Mr. Wang opens up his jacket and produces a long silver spoon and places it into the cup. Wevv slowly stirs, while Raymundo and Hugo shift their gazes between the cold dead stares of Mr. Wang and Madison. The two associates of Wevv take a step back, off camera. Raymundo: Mr. Mang, I respect your generous offer. And I respect you. When I left Telemundo and came to LPW it was because I loved the sport of wrestling. The money was nice, no doubt about it, but I grew up a fan of the sport of wrestling. LPW has allowed me to live my dreams of being a part of wrestling. I respect this sport and want to be a part of it until the day I die. Such is my dream. Hugo: When I was working in Mexico City, my favorite guests were always the wrestlers. The stories they told, the adventures they had, the sights they had seen. AH! I was always jealous! I wanted to be a part of it, to share in the glory! I knew I would never be a luchadore, but I always dreamed of having some part, however small. When I took the job with this company, it was my dream come true! Finally, I was a part of the legend of wrestling! I have thanked God every day for my job. I love this job. Raymundo: We tell you these things so that you will understand our respect for the tradition and the respect for the company that has made our dreams come true. Wevv: I understand gentlemen. I share your passion for this sport. I think you two may be among the select few who truly believe me when I say that. Very well. I give you my word, of my own free will, hah, that I will not hold your question against you. Ask when you are ready. Hugo: We do believe you Wevv. Raymundo and I, we have followed your career with great interest. So, you will understand then, why we must ask you this question. Raymundo, will you do the honors? Raymundo: Thank you Hugo. Raymundo takes a deep breath. He steels himself and then looks Wevv straight in the eyes, and speaks in a loud clear voice. Raymundo: Wevv Mang, you have just lost yet another championship match! You have called the currently reigning champion, the man who walked out of the Deathcube, publicly, the worst champion you have ever seen! IN Woodstock, you will be teaming with him, and Son Of Shockey against The Tromboner Man, Unified Tag Team Champion for a second time, against X, former World heavyweight Champion, and Andy Savana, Current Hardcore Champion. You have made it quite clear that you are unhappy to be in this match, and in fact, seem to be unhappy period being in the LPW. What, pray tell us, WHAT is your Plan? Wevv chokes on his tea. He looks over at Raymundo and Hugo and starts to laugh. Wevv: '''You’re serious? Ah, but I can see that you are. And I see that I think you two understand the severity answering that question my cause. Oh, well, played gentlemen, I salute you. I gave my word, of my own free, HA!, will. So be it. Obviously, I cannot be…obvious. So listen closely and try to follow along. '''Wevv: First of all, I have had three chances at greatness. At seizing the prize I desire above all others. A world Heavyweight champion. While the men I have faced previously have won the battle, they cannot say that they won the war. They…changed after facing me. Indeed, but that is a topic for another day. The present is what we are talking about and how it will shape the future. So, obviously, Ha, since I have not succeeded, and grown stronger since I have returned, then something must change. Something must be done to shape the odds to my favor, While the current climate is hostile, it is not insurmountable. But, but, ah ha, what to change it to, eh? Which will be the most favorable to my wishes? I have always preferred to work the fringes and find the weakness, and they exploit it for the maximum potential at the most opportune time. The best tactic is to give your target something to occupy it’s attention and strike when the time suits you, not him. Distract, then destroy. Maximum advantage. So, the question is, which is the distraction, and which is the threat, eh? Wevv: And that, well, I’ll let you fine gentlemen decide. An excellent question gentlemen. The simple answer is, to achieve my goals. But, and I will use this time to remind you, it was only for one question, perhaps the question you should have asked me, is what are my goals, eh? 'Wevv: '''And with that, we are out of time! Thank you for having me gentlemen! I’m Wevv Mang saying, thank you for watching and see you next time! Maybe! HA! ''And with that, the webcast fades into the LPW logo and the screen freezes.